Changing Lanes

8,851 is the number of days I've lived in the United Arab Emirates; the country I was born in, possibly one-third of my life according to some statisticians *points at World Bank*. Today, if I plan to carry on living in this country and chase my dream, I have to spend roughly AED19,000 per annum. This may not seem like a large amount to many, but that's the amount of money I've earned since my last birthday. The next 30days will shatter, relocate or give the dream one last life line. The stress is so awesome that I’ve aged a few years over the past few weeks.

Talking about aging, my 1 year and 20 days old camera has conveniently bailed on me and I’m looking forward to a hefty bill from the rip-off of a service centre which shall obliterate whatever photography budget I had left after I managed to lose (more like left it at an event and someone decided to borrow it, permanently) my costliest/favorite lens. On the other hand, my car (more like the car my sister bought that I maintain) is dying on me as well and it’s just 10 months old (should have bought a Camry.. *yawn*). The electronics are going round the bend while the brakes are a squeak and the incompetent service centre is well useless. I should ask for a replacement since I do have consumer rights. *coughmiragecough*

At least all is not gloomy (I think), the mobile that I managed to buy with the help of my brother and some vouchers is perfect for my needs though it does seem a little pricy now with the other costs sprouting like a bean stalk.

Talking about stalk-ers, there is a specific gentleman (read: pervert) who needs to be introduced to my hand though the angry face keeps telling me to control my emoticons. Listen I shall…

Oh and for the record, I’ve been alive for 8948days. I feel old… *grabs anti ageing cream*

“I want to be there for you for as long as I can”, an SMS I sent SJ today. The kind of person I am, there is no limit to how much I can care for a person, and this is how I work. I do extremely crazy things for people, without them even knowing. I have fought their battles, their inner doubts and taken care of them in any possible circumstances. There is a sense of contentment defending or caring for someone even if it meant fighting the entire world. Been there done that. Unfortunately every single time, I end up looking like the villain because I always tend to leave a path of destruction behind me that everyone seems to judge me by irrespective of my intentions, good or bad.

But as SJ told me, I need to learn from my mistakes, need to fix myself and just be me. So I shall continue to care because I can and I will. This is who I am and this is my life. As my parents always tell me “naiki kar dariya mein dal”

All my life I've tried to help people...but now that I look back, all I see is pain...

Today was the Emirates Airline Festival of Literature "Thank you Lunch" for people who had volunteered at the festival this year. I was one of the photographers so got an invite a month back. Being socially tongue-tied most of the time, I had decided I didn’t want to go but a friend managed to persuade me at the last minute and I agreed to tag along with him. Bad decision!!!

Hadn’t slept well last night plus was kind of upset (again!!), so I should have known today would have been a bad day to get out. Anyway got picked up at 12pm and we got there by 12:45pm. As soon as I stepped into the room, I felt completely out of place. Everyone was dressed formally while I was in a T-shirt and track pants. Also everyone seemed to know each other while I didn’t really know anyone. Hung around for 5minutes, said hi to three people, then stepped out of the room and lingered there for about 15minutes after which I left, walked to the mall next door and sat there for another 15 minutes writing a poem. Once done with that, I caught the bus back home.

I suppose it was rude of me to leave like that but I’m in a state of mind where I’m not really sure what I’m doing and don’t really care what people think about me. I just follow my impulsive decisions, right or wrong; it doesn’t matter anymore because in the end life can’t get any worse.

My confidence is in a ditch right now and nothing I do makes a difference. I haven’t picked up my camera for the past 5 days. Once my escape, photography has just become a burden now...need to maybe let go of that as well...

Be careful what you wish for 'cause you just might get it all
You just might get it all and then some you don't want

Just because I’m single now, some guys seem to think that it’s okay for me to check out (scan more like) every interesting looking girl that passes my path. I really don’t get what pleasure most guys get at checking out girls and seriously something I don’t intend to do ever. Annoying buggers...

Also being single does not mean I’m frustrated and therefore have the urge to watch porn. Pornography is disgusting and something I never plan to bother myself with. I’m just glad that I’m not in school/college anymore...I remember the number of times some people have tried to forward me porn disguised as something else...urgh!!

And one last thing, why do people in general assume that I'm interested in hitting on the girls I hang out with now that I'm single. Being single does not mean I’m unhappy and honestly I don’t always need a better half/companion to complete me...

I think it was an interview. I'm still not sure. Anyway here's what happened.

So mom and sister are mad at me...again!!! Basically yesterday, I managed to somehow not notice mom leave for the doctor as I was engrossed into editing the Type-R video so that made my sister angry and upset mom. And then I somehow forgot to call my sister in the evening informing her that I will be late to pick her up from work due to the portrait shoot, that obviously annoyed her and mom got angry with me. So I got in trouble for that plus both of them are on a 'men are assholes' mood lately so me being a man puts me in the line of fire especially since I'm the useless child/sibling which means I obviously deserve it.

An average day with a bad end from the looks of it.

Was editing the Type-R video in the morning that took ages to render and it looks like crap. Need to re-edit it and that's going to take ages as my netbook is slooooow. At around 2pm, went all the way to KV to deliver pictures to a client for the third time. Drove to festival city where I met with SJ at 3:30pm as I wanted to discuss what I wanted to do for the portrait shoot.

So the client for the portrait shoot was supposed to come at 4pm...they ended up coming at 5:10pm which left us with very little sunlight to work with. On the plus side, at least had SJ for company while I waited for them to come. Shoot went on till 8:15pm, had to use off camera flash which almost ended up being a disaster cause my flashes refused to go off most of the time. I am glad I got SJ to come along with me cause she helped me a lot. Will someday return the favour...

Anyway got back at 8:45pm, had dinner and started checking my email, facebook, twitter etc. Had a message on facebook from the guy who's my current sponsor. Basically he has to cancel my visa in the next two weeks that leaves me with a maximum of 1 month and currently I don't have an alternative option apart from the freelancer visa which costs a whopping 20K. A few months back, the thought of going back to India would have freaked me out but lately it doesn't seem to be such a bad idea. New environment, possibility of making new memories and in general a wide variety of photo opportunities makes it look like a good idea. Hmm...should discuss this with my parents. Anyway I'm all tensed up regarding the situation, lets see how things work out....

It hurts that you've chosen to ignore my existence instead of facing me and possibly whacking me....Also kinda funny that when I do something wrong, I get treated like shit while I'm supposed to forgive and forget when someone else does the same....

Two things I figured out today...

1) I'm not a complete pipsqueak...

2) And the car controls great even at 120kmph...

So that....

Looking on the bright side....it'll be like old times when I was in school...when I had no one to share my thoughts and feelings with apart from my imaginary friend that is....looks like I'll need to imagine him again....atleast this time I've got my camera to give me company as well....

I've always wanted a car. Now I've got one and I was very happy about it though ignoring the part where people keep scratching it with keys or I keep hitting the pavement and scratching the wheels. I wanted to become a photographer but had no work. Lately been so busy that I haven't been able to spend enough time at home again ignoring the part that I still don't get paid enough but it still made me happy. I've even managed to socialize lately which is a huge achievement for me. All of this feels great or atleast I thought it would. Currently the people I care about are not talking to me. I've become the person I've never wanted to be. I was heading that way for a very long time and had seen the warning signs but being the jerk I am, I ignored it all. Today no one knows how I feel, cause no one cares. I have nothing....even though I thought I had everything....hopefully I'll manage to survive this phase of my life without killing myself(ignoring the part that I'm a complete pipsqueak and won't have the guts)....and I'm not going to say sorry to anyone cause I know I deserve this....

Situation 1

Person A: Lets hang out!!!
Person B: Lets go to a sheesha place..
Person C: Cool...
Me: I'll cya all later....

Situation 2

Person A: I'm bored!!
Person B: Lets go to that club and have fun...
Person C: Cool...
Me: Urgh....I'll cya all later...

This is how every outing is planned in Dubai IMO. So to be social in Dubai, you need to love sheesha or bars. I think I'll prefer being socially inactive than to waste my life on such disgusting things...so that...

There are so many thing I want to say....but I won't say a word to anyone....cause no one is here to hear me....I'm all alone this time...

...the way I talk. No more super fast talker. No more stammering....will always try to think and talk with confidence.

...my fitness. I've always wanted to stay thin and stay fit. Well I'm not really fat but I have a few kilos I can lose so time to get those weights out of the box...

...the way I dress. I need to stop dressing up like a 15 year old...I'm 23 and should act like one. Time to buy some formal clothes, shoes etc.

...the way I look. Maybe time to get those glasses I need...

...the way I interact. I'm totally anti social...time to get out and meet the world...

...my attitude. I'm a rude arrogant person who cares a little too much about the people I love. Time to kick that love out with all that rudeness. There is no place for emotions in my life anymore....

...the way I present my self. I don't want to be treated like a kid anymore so I need to act like a grown up...

...the way I treat my faith. Need to learn what Islam is all about...

...what I eat...I have health issues. Time I got rid of them....

hmm..I think I'm done. I'm giving myself till march to achieve half of these things. I've got enough reasons to do this, Inshallah I'll be able to be who I want to be...

It's funny how people tend to agree with me only when i don't want them to agree with me....