Changing Lanes

...since the last time I made any money. This doesn't go well with the money I just blew over my freelance license. The odd car (free) shoots are keeping me sane and the fact that I've finished most of my pending work (personal & professional) feels good. Also the (portfolio)website is coming along well so that's another positive. I just can't take another month like this though. *sigh*

Warning: Angry Rant ahead

I adore the car I drive. Love the way it handles corners, the way it feels in control. But why the fuck does it have to fail on me so many times. The number of problems I've had with the car, you'd wonder how it's still running and it's just 20 months old. And it's not like it's wear and tear or abuse (which I don't do anyways). The weather today is wonderful with clear skies; you can see the stars in the city. So I open my sun roof to enjoy the view at a signal. I lower my seat cause I sit quite high and looking up from my default position strains my neck. Guess what, the seat button stopped working and now the seat is stuck in a position I can't drive in. Fucking brilliant and I have work for the next two days. This is the second time the seat buttons/motor has stopped working. If the car wasn't under warranty, I'd have lost a fortune trying to fix it not that I haven't already with the insurance, parking card and tires. Argh...

My best friend for the past 9 years is getting married this month and I can't go to his wedding in India because I don't have the money nor can I afford to absorb the opportunity cost. I don't have work as usual which is quite obvious from the several previous rants. Desperate times means desperate measures and so I'm working at Gitex shoppers doing promotions. I feel like a failure especially when conveniently the people strutting around as managers are people I knew in college...my juniors. And then you have the ones that flunked out of college roaming around as business men shrugging off my photography cause here I was promoting a camera that I would never buy hired by the company because I'm a photographer. And I unfortunately bumped into my best friend who wasn't too happy with the fact that I wasn't coming for his wedding...I felt horrible. No eye contact was made...

And then the fucking fact that among all the kids doing sales and promotions, I perfectly blend it. I'm 25 even if I may look like a teenager and that isn't a compliment when you're trying fucking hard for people to take you seriously. I'm tired of fighting the battle of being taken as a adult. I get enough of being the kid at home stuff as I am the youngest but when people ask me which school/college I'm going to; I feel like fucking killing someone. Best part is even the people who I work with and who know my age don't take me seriously cause of the way I look.

I know I should stop ranting but it's better to let it out here than on someone you care about....I miss my CC...more than ever....

I'm an arrogant person with a colossal ego. I don't accept defeat easily....oh wait! I never accept defeat; I just burble something and act as if it never happened. Anyway as quite apparent from my unvarying work related blog rants, I’m not making a lot of money *points at the lack of cash inflow in the past 60 days*. Irrespective, I have lifestyle and work related expenses I’ve got to sustain on a daily basis which doesn’t go down well with my father who keeps a tap on my depleting bank balance. This has led me to depend financially on friends who frequently lend me money that I have a tendency to pay off by helping them with work and/or hard cash (if needed). Unfortunately for me, the amount of money I owe everyone now due to certain incidents (lost and then found my wallet that someone conveniently emptied, online purchases etc) is weighing down on my ego. My arrogance is in denial but I need to face the fact; I don’t have any money. I’ve been literally living off friends for the past 45 days or so and it feels horrible even though no one shows even the slightest inclination or pretence that they're doing me a huge favour. I’ve lost this battle and it does make sense to accept defeat before there is nothing left to salvage. I need a job and give up on this freelancer facade I’m hiding behind but I’m refusing to stop fighting; I don’t know why....