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Obsessive Compulsive Impulsive Disorder
Posted: Monday, January 17, 2011 by Stained in Labels: Love, OCD, OCIDI have a tendency to OCD (Obsessive compulsive Disorder) over the people I get along with which is mainly because I don’t get along with a lot of people. I’m rude when social and introverted when anti social, not the best two sides of a coin especially for a photographer. So when it comes to people I do get along, I tend to exaggerate the ‘Let me take care of you and solve your problems’ thing. I’ve started calling it OCID which is OCD with impulsive (ness).
Now this kind of OCID cannot be exercised with guys because a) Most guys don’t share their problems with other guys; b) Most guys have an emotional span of a teaspoon; c) Being OCID in that way is just weird (in the gay sense of way). That doesn’t mean I haven’t OCID’d over a guy (that just sounds weird), I have plenty of close guy friends whose emotional problems I have help sort out. But this is a rarity in the rarest sense of ways as I mostly don’t get along with guys due to my lack of a) perverted sense of humor; b) ogling over women; c) lack of stupidity in the common sense of ways; d) my often lack of practical (read: unemotional) behavior; e) my childish outlook to life.
Coming to girls, being OCID has two sides to it; it either boomerangs to ‘just acquaintances’ status or you hit the bullseye. By bullseye I mean finding yourself in a position where you manage to be the backbone of some ones effort to prevail over the problems in their lives. In the past 2 years or so, I’ve often found myself as the backbone; something that feels good. I have also often found myself as the centre of their affection; something that I’m not too fond of.
As pointed out to me yesterday this is completely due to the convenience factor i.e. he understands me, he takes care of me, he wipes away my tears, he’s a good listener, he’s always there etc. This supposedly makes me more dangerous when compared to a flirt because I unintentionally may have the power to manipulate the situation/person to fit my needs and I’m not really sure how that makes me feel. My intentions to OCID were also questioned, what do I gain from this? Does the whole affection attention boast my confidence? Does it make me feel larger than life or something like that? These are just some questions that arose from the long conversation I had with Begg on our way back from Abu Dhabi. An interesting way to look at it and I honestly don’t know what to say. I’m sure I won’t stop being OCID but I can’t stop thinking (OCD again) and being a little hesitant now. This is haunting me right now....
All my life I've tried to help people...but now that I look back, all I see is pain...
I *despise* manipulative people. They pounce on the situation when you are vulnerable, take control of your strings and this causes a temporary blindness in the way you perceive things aka clouded judgment- you don't know what is right and wrong; then the manipulator comes right in between and convinces you or rather PUSHES you to make a decision which you normally wouldn't- just like Satan. In other words, they try to cut the time you'd spend on thinking about decision(s) thoroughly- literally *force* you to do something that you don't want to do despite you putting your foot down. Again, not pointing fingers at you...just people I've come across.